By: Stella Ramos
Dear American Film Association,
I write to you today to address your problematic portrayal of werewolves in cinema. Now, I can understand that, without meeting one, the concept of a werewolf might seem particularly novel. But the idea that someone could lose control and become an animal right before your very eyes isn’t true. Truth be told, real werewolves are far closer to humans than they are to the common depiction of savage beasts. Let me go through some of the most ridiculous myths.
First off, the whole dramatic moon transformation thing? Completely fabricated. We don’t need the moon to shift! We don’t even really care about the moon, and shifting’s not painful; it’s natural. You also can’t be turned with a bite; it’s not a disease, you can’t catch “werewolf ”. Also, silver? Nothing but hearsay. A bullet would kill anyone silver or not, it’s almost as laughable as using garlic against a vampire. Oh yeah,
and there’s no loss of control when we shift. It’s a – say it with me – natural process! Think about it, if we were really all running around out of our minds once a month then why aren’t monster flicks listed under
“Documentaries”?
So, then what is the truth? Well, the truth is you probably walk past werewolves all the time without knowing it. We don’t have built-in six packs and we still wear jackets when it’s cold. Some of us might be on the hairier side, but your first thought wouldn’t be “werewolf ”, it’d be “European.” We’re plenty active, as I’m sure you can imagine, and family-oriented. And notice how I didn’t say worker bees mindlessly controlled by a queen. I hope it goes without saying, but even plain wolves don’t have alphas. Maybe you think it’s hard to keep our appetites in check. Bzzzzt! Think again. Remember, we aren’t regular wolves. We can eat the same things humans do, and between blood and chocolate, I’d pick chocolate any day!
Now, I don’t really think this letter is going to spark some new movie trend, but I do hope it’s changed your point of view. I hope that you begin to walk through your life taking a good look around you and
wondering who could be a werewolf. Is it the guy with long hair? Or the girl who wears moonstone jewelry? If we don’t look different and we don’t act different then how will you know where we are? You won’t know, and I hope the question drives you crazy.
Yours Truly,
An American Werewolf