By: Lesli Saige Johnson
I have lived a thousand lives
a thousand unseen worlds
versions of me that exist through
time
ripples and shattered mirrors
every choice spawns new realities
endless possibilities
spiraling out of control and into
infinity
fractals of futures
There is a me that is married
several years ago now
wed to the missionary I emailed
in high school
still church-going
probably pregnant with baby #2
temple worthy
a proud member of an institution
Even further back
a me with parents
still together
A version where she never cheated
instead stayed with dad
I never had an alcoholic stepdad
an understanding stepmom
No stepsiblings added to the fold
I never learn their names
So much pain and suffering
with the power of hindsight
could have been avoided
but with its erasure lessons too
would be lost to time
I must ask myself
could I give up what I have now
to change what was
then
I dreaded the unforgiving
nature of missed opportunities
what chances would come my way
unable to be taken
my captor sharing the same face as
me
having chosen
regret being my truest and worst
fear
I am my enemy
But perhaps
instead of floating through wary
waters
drifting through possibilities that
may have been but aren’t
I can ground myself
in what I do know now
the world in which I live
can have a me
That is simply me